Ambivalence | Day in the life RCD

Hello RCD readers,

What a rain ... what a rain... I hope everyone is save and does their best to create a healthy safe environment. I'm here doing my best with God's help. 

I had two days full on cleaning after too much water on my yard. While ofcourse I was sick from a fever. God teaches me how to depend on Him and go with His flow. For instance a lot of coincidences are happening. 

I parked my car outside thinking I was going to leave the house to do some shopping. And rain came terrible on Monday. We had a flood. But because my car was outside it was spared water damages. 

I had a fever but my body gave me enough energy to clean the entire house of water. Nobody called. Only one person. Nor checked on us. And one person (somebody I always stand up for and looked up too) who needed work from me asked about the work that had to be done. When I explained the situation. Hence they hadn't paid yet nor spoke about the payment since last week of June but expected the work to be done as first. The person's response was can I pay you next week. Not are you feeling better? Or I get the delay.. Nope. The response was I waited more than 17days and I haven't gotten anything from you. Where is your work..  Ofcourse I didn't pay yet nor responded to the asking about the payment. But we are family.  My love towards you is what can I get from you. Now that one hurts. I stayed calm. I gave him grace. Finished a part and sent it to him and we discussed next week he'll pay a little bit. Ofcourse I did bring up the fact that he needed to communicate the payment. If it wasn't going to be given directly or in small payments. I actually wouldn't mind but he just never talked about it. So it looked like all I think about is money but he never responded towards the first offer that was sent. Just thought I would work on it. And what eat air for this month. He needs to do and be better. I needed a minute. So after the hurt and disappointment goes away I'll pray for him. But I'm human I need a minute to give this to God.

It sounds weird but a sense of peace comes when you focus on letting certain situations over to God. By going with the flow and following His lead. 

Ambivalent relationship this would be one of them. You care about the person because of past memories. Or they shared something special with you. They can be good colleagues.  They can be people you share hobbies with. They can be frienship you created in your life. They can be old school class mates. I've never been a person to fake a relationship.  If I give my energy to you that means you are somebody special to me. I'm a kind person but not fake. Polite but never will I act like a relationship is something that it isn't.  Not with family, friendship and even partners. I sometimes hoped people respected that. In the midst of fake connections just to not be alone I'm the odd one out. 

You see you make time for the people you jump to be with. You check up on them. You support them. You enjoy them so much of them. You can't wait to call them. You don't need to remind yourself to talk to them. You don't need to make time for anything.  It goes smoothly.  And their is magic in those relationships where you can see the person after month's or year's and can't stop talking to eachother. The bond and the love is really their. When your soul quiets down around they are not your people. When you have to be extra on point to keep the conversation or to make something fun. They are not your people.

Now let me point out relationships where you aren't super close but are more supportive than any other bestie in that person's life. That's normal. It's the Lord's love that you are sharing with the world at that point. 

But if you pour too much in these relationship than the draining starts. I've been through it more than once. The obligation to keep connections that aren't there anymore or never were.

How to check if you have this kind of disconnection with someone?

- do you have to remind yourself to connect

- do you not like actually enjoy spending time with them

- do you forget them often 

- do they bring out the quietness in you

- are you reserved around them

- have they not seen certain sides of your character 

- can you go a long periode of time without missing them

- have you ever been in eachother home

- have they supported you during though times

- can you trust them

- are they loyal to you

- are they actually honest towards you 

- do you know a lot about eachother life because you want share your life with them

- do they actually check up on you

The list can go on. Yes my niceness rolled me in these situations more than I could count. What I've noticed if somebody sees you very different than you actually are. You haven't been you around them. That's definitely an ambivalent connection. Nurturing this connection will drain you. Cause your heart isn't in it. 

I'm enjoying the connections of new people and the reconnecting of others. Nothing brings more happiness than being around people that don't drain your energy because you are not forcing it.

Don't complicate your life. Life is too short.  Your life is too valuable to waste it on nonsense.  The non Christian thing to do. But I will say it anyway.  "Make a promise to yourself to base your decisions on things that make you happy in life."

* non Christian comment. Our decisions should be based on what the Lord wants for our life. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it doesn't feel that great to do but it's what God needs from you. That sometimes would mean connecting with people that drain you. But it's a weird balance which I haven't mastered at all yet.