Unfiltered, imperfect, and human

Hello, RCD readers

I’m tired. Not in the “I just pulled a hard 12-hour shift” kind of way, but in that deep, bone-weary way that happens when life gets hectic all at once.

We had family over recently, and it was a whirlwind. One minute I was listening on how the first week of school is going, the next I was feeding off the high energy of excitement, and then realizing I’d probably spoiled someone just a little bit too much. I felt so much love in the room, but by the time everyone left, my tank was completely empty. But before that I had the kind of day where nothing went according to plan. 

First I woke up early because I hadn't put in enough hours the night before for project S. And in the morning electricity was gone for a lot of my normal workhours. Which meant I work at night yesterday for about 2.5hours. 

Second I went to the building department expecting to wrap up a document, only to find out it still wasn't finished. Immediately, that familiar, heavy thought crept in: I failed.

I have this habit of feeling like I’ve failed the moment something gets derailed. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, those quiet whispers in the back of my mind start up: You’re doing this differently than everyone else. Others get their approvals finished early. Are you actually any good at this?

Before I even realize it, my stomach starts rumbling, my nerves kick in, and instead of feeling enthusiastic and grateful for the work I have—grateful that things are actually going really well—I start stressing over every detail.

The ironic part? None of my projects are overdue. I’m on time with every single one of them. My clients know their timelines, the deadlines are clear, and I am solid on my end.

The set deadline for the building permit is end of October but the department stagnation always gives me anxiety. Because ill informed client's will always see it as my ability to do my job well. And it will be taken poorly of my character and work abilities. Which sucks. 

That's why the physical anxiety still shows up. The feeling of not being "good enough" still manages to crash the party. I hope these moments happen to everyone, and not just to women, and not just to me. But it’s just life, isn't it?

I hate talking about this side of things. It makes me feel vulnerable. Whenever I share these raw thoughts on my reels or in my posts, I have to physically force myself to hit publish. But I do it because I’m tired of the gloss. People glamorize their work and their lives so much online—everything looks smooth, effortless, and pristine. I don't think I’m ever want to be like that.

When I look at other people’s work, I’m often in awe of what they do. And I know a lot of people look at my work the same way because I am a incredibly hard worker. But being a hard worker often comes from carrying a heavy load of responsibility.

I know I’m not the only one carrying a heavy load, and I know I don't carry it entirely alone. I’m blessed to have people I love around me. 

 

Either way, today was hard, the paperwork is still pending, and I am exhausted. But I’m sharing it anyway—unfiltered, imperfect, and human.

If your day didn't go as planned today, or if you're quietly fighting off those same nagging whispers while keeping every deadline on track: I see you. We’re doing better than we think we are, even on the days it doesn't feel like it.